In time
by HateMe-BreakMe
Summary: Shizuo is leaving Izaya forever. He can't seem to understand why until it's too late. Shizaya! Warning:Character death!


**NOTE: So this fanfic is not as good as my first one but that's ok. Just a little something that popped in my head. For some reason I have a fascination toward character death fanfics! And I know most people hate them, but really I don't care. We all have different things that make us tick.**

**I'm working on more Shizaya fanfics as we speak so hopefully I can get them up soon.**

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Winter has arrived once again, making me wince as the icy winds stung my face turning my nose and cheeks red. I despised the cold. It reminded me of a painful loss. Dark memories continued to haunt me.

Will there ever be a day where I felt joy again?

I shivered adjusting my red scarf tighter around my neck. Dying flowers littered around my feet.

Looking down, my eyes watered at the image before me. I couldn't believe it. It all made sense now. This is why he left. I remember that horrid day like it was yesterday.

It was truly unforgettable, though it was so long ago...

_(Flashback)_

My world felt like it had come to an abrupt stop, my heart threatening to bleed at any moment.

"Why?" I asked gripping his white shirt desperately, afraid of letting go. Surely he knew how much he meant to me, how much I truly loved him.

Shizuo looked at me, his dark gaze focusing on mine, making it that much harder for me to hold the tears that threatened to fall.

"Because I have to." he replied touching my cheek softly. I flinched slightly as his long fingers caressed my face, touching me like I was his most precious possession. The soft touch was so tender that it hurt. It hurt so damn much knowing that Shizuo was leaving me, and what hurt more was I did even know why.

I didn't even know if I'd ever see him again.

Knowing that he was leaving Ikebukuro to god knows where, I definitely didn't feel safe anymore. I was extremely terrified knowing that I'd have to face the future alone and all I could process in my jumbled thoughts was 'why?'

Why was this happening to me? To us?

It was just too much.

Gripping his shirt tighter, I glanced up at him in a silent plea, wordlessly begging him not to do this. He knew that look in my crimson eyes. Shizuo knew how much I was suffering, yet it did nothing to stop him.

Was I not enough to make him stay?

For many days and nights, I've tried and tried to find any reasons that could have possibly lead to this, but I couldn't seem to understand any reasoning behind it all. Over and over again I'd tell myself this was all my fault, but every time I spoke out loud, Shizuo would only kiss me on the lips reminding me with gentle words just how much he loved me.

'None of this is your fault.' he would say gently caressing my hands. Somehow I found it hard to believe him. I would wear a fake a smile every time making him believe I was ok, even though deep down I was falling apart. As much I tried denying it, in reality someone had to take the blame for our suffering. That someone might as well be me right? I seemed like the perfect candidate.

'Who would be my savior now?'

There have been times where I'd rip my hair out in frustration. It was appalling and incredibly disturbing to me that I found this painful scenario completely and utterly beyond my comprehension. It made my head ache every time I thought about it and I prayed to whatever god out there that I could make him change his mind.

If only I could read his mind by touching those strong warm hands. If only I could so much more.

I wanted to know everything.

'How did Shizuo feel about this?' I would constantly ask myself.

He wouldn't even talk to me. It's like he didn't want me to know the truth.

Even though it was said that the truth hurts, it hurt hell of a lot more to not know one's real intentions.

I closed my eyes, pushing my face into the soft material of his shirt. I was ashamed of the tears the finally overflowed, dripping down my hot cheeks. My heart was breaking. Pieces so small, I felt I could never be saved.

"Shizuo..." I choked softly.

"Shhh it's gonna be ok." he whispered pulling me close and petting my black hair.

Those 'comforting' words made me cry even harder. He was lying to me. It wasn't going to be ok. I wasn't going to be ok.

I felt so pathetic.

Already I've begun to doubt myself. Insecurity consumed me more and more every day. Maybe it was about time that I've finally accept that fact that I wasn't good enough for him. Maybe Shizuo would be better off, even if it shattered my breaking heart for good.

Maybe I should let him go...But it was just so damn hard. I loved him too damn much.

Without Shizuo, I would be forever trapped in my own despair.

"I love you Izaya." He spoke softly breaking my thoughts.

I continued to cry while he held me close. I couldn't speak.

How could he say that to me? Here I was pouring my heart out to him for so long and he still chooses the life without me. I'd give anything to change his mind, anything to make him choose me instead of them.

"Does this even matter to you Shizu-chan? Do I even matter?"

Shizuo growled yanking my head back, forcing me to look up at him. He didn't like it when I questioned him.

"You damn well I care about you, about us. I just need to make sure you'll be ok. There are things I don't expect you to understand."

I sniffled moving my hands to wipe my remaining tears.

"Try me Shizu-chan, make me understand."

"Izaya please-"

"You know I can't go on without you."

Shizuo scoffed lowly moving to grip my shoulders. The touch was painful.

"You can and you will Izaya. Please just trust me when I say it'll hurt less this way, please Izaya...I've never asked you for anything, but just this one time will you please just try?"

I lowered my head in defeat, my dark bangs covering my eyes that began forming fresh tears.

"I hate you so much..." I whispered quietly. He knew I didn't mean it.

"I know... c'mere." he replied laying back and spreading his arms open for me. I looked up at him hesitating on my next move. He was killing me damn it. I felt like his words and actions were constantly contradicting each other.

My heart was on the verge of exploding.

Shizuo looked so handsome lying before me with his messy blonde hair, gorgeous brown eyes, broad shoulders, lean body and beautiful smile. I never could say no to him. Why deny him now?

I wanted him so bad. Shizuo was the only thing I truly ever wanted.

I was truly, madly, and deeply in love with him.

Moving forward into his embrace, Shizuo held me tightly as his lips blindly seeked mine. I sighed softly before giving into him and pressing my tear stained lips to his. Shizuo automatically opened his mouth wider, deepening the kiss and flicking his tongue over my lips for any more traces of the salty liquid. He was always so good to me. Why couldn't we stay like this forever?

More tears threatened to fall as he gently touched me. I couldn't do this right now. I need him to be my distraction; I needed him to take away my emotional pain and replace it with physical pain. Any pain was better than what I was feeling deep inside.

Nothing would be able to save me from him now.

I moved over him, kissing him harder and fisting his blonde hair in a tight grip.

"Izaya..." he murmured so lovingly.

"Don't talk Shizu-chan, kiss me harder."

Shizuo sighed softly before giving in to my request. Moving his hands over my chest, he pushed me hard against the clean soft sheets of his bed and hovered over me before resuming his task on my swollen lips. His smell surrounded me making me dizzy. In ways I felt sick, sick in love.

I was starting to see red.

Red was the color of his sheets, the color of my eyes, the color of blood, and the color of love. No wonder red was Shizuo's favorite color. It was everything that resembled me. People always questioned me on why I wore the color red often and it wasn't because it was my favorite color, but because it was his.

I was so in love with Shizuo, I wanted to be his everything.

Pulling away from his addicting lips for air, I moved down latching my teeth to his loosened bow tie and pulled it off with my teeth. My trembling hands traveled up his long arms and over his broad chest to undo each button of his white shirt one by one. For some reason I felt so nervous like it was my first time. At the same time as more and more skin was revealed before my eyes, I felt extremely excited like a child opening gifts for Christmas.

The exposed torso before me made me weep. He was so beautiful and so perfect.

At one point I was ecstatic about claiming Shizuo as my own and now somehow he managed to slip from my grasp. He was no longer mine. He felt so far out of reach, I knew I wouldn't be able to save him now. It happened so fast that I didn't even see it coming. Sure we shared the same bed, but deep down I couldn't help and wonder if Shizuo truly ever loved me.

I wanted to hate Shizuo. I wanted to sneak up behind him and stab him in the back. I wanted to make him fall and kick him while he was down, but I couldn't make myself do it. I wanted to hate him so bad, but I loved him so much that it was impossible for me to loath him. No mattered how much I wanted to destroy him for destroying me, I couldn't do it.

I would always tell myself it was because I didn't want to be responsible for taking away my only happiness, but that was a lie. Really I was hoping that by some miracle Shizuo would change his mind. If there was any slight chance that Shizuo would have a change in heart, I would be there for him with open arms. I'd welcome him back and shower him with all my love even after all he's put me through. Shizuo was worth the pain. I'd live forever in agony as long as I got to hold and kiss him every night.

Breaking my thoughts, Shizuo kissed my neck gently and pulled back away from me, tall on his knees. His dark gaze locked upon mine making me tremble. His eyes looked so sad. Why was he sad? He was the one leaving me for a better life, the one who made the decision to move on.

So why did he look at me like there was no tomorrow?

"I want to see you." He whispered gaze still locked on mine. I felt lost in his eyes, I couldn't even think straight.

"Huh?"

"Take your clothes off Izaya."

I shivered at the sound of my name. I loved how sensual it sounded with his deep melodic voice.

Unable to speak, I nodded slightly and moved my hands down toward my stomach to grab the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. My eyes never left his. I could see his eyes darkening with desire making me want him more.

I paused taking the time to soak him in. I wanted to cherish this moment.

"Keep going." He spoke before I could say a word. The room was so quiet, his masculine voice echoed loudly.

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. He was making extremely nervous. That dark sexy gaze made me feel weak. I bet he liked the red tint blooming in my cheeks.

Damn him.

Bringing my hands to the button of my skinny jeans, I hesitated a brief moment before unclasping them and pulling them slowly off my legs. The sound of his breath hitching rang in my ears while he watched my flushed face and aroused manhood bounce off my stomach once my pants were tossed aside. Turning my head in embarrassment, I used my hands to shield myself from his hungry eyes. I felt so exposed. I've never felt this nervous around Shizuo before.

Moving very slowly, Shizuo shifted his weight as his hands tenderly traced the pale skin across my body and pushed my legs apart to make room for him.

"So beautiful..." He whispered in my ear softly.

"...I'm so going to miss this Izaya. I going to miss you so god damn much."

My eyes began to water as I cried some more. Shizuo was so kind and so cruel at the same time. It was too much to handle.

I was simply hanging by a thread and was Shizuo's doing whether I were to make it or break it.

I kept my eyes tightly closed as I felt him hover over my face, soft lips occasionally kissing my wet eyes.

"I love you so fucking much."

I whimpered at those words.

"How can you really say that Shizu-chan?"

Gripping my face in his strong hands, Shizuo forced me to look at him. His eyes were glossy with tears.

"You know I do Izaya. I promise that one day you'll see it's true. It doesn't make any sense now but it will. I promise."

I continued to cry. His words did nothing to cure the pain.

"Shizuo-"

"I love you." He repeated kissing me hard.

The sound of a zipper echoed loudly and before I knew Shizuo was slowly pushing his way inside me. I bit my lip and clenched my eyes shut. It hurt so bad but felt so good at the same time. Shizuo knew this is how I wanted it; how I wanted him.

The pain made me feel so alive. It did well at being my distraction.

It wasn't long before Shizuo began moving faster and thrusting roughly in and out of me. Our breaths mingled together as I held tightly onto him. I was afraid of letting him go, afraid of him disappearing from my sight forever.

I honestly didn't know how much longer we had together, but I could only wish that this moment would never end.

In this very moment I felt at peace... and I smiled.

Moving up, I wrapped my arms tightly around Shizuo's neck, kissing him with more need as he rode me harder and faster. Pleasured moans escaped our panting lips as our connected bodies rocked back and forth making the bed creak beneath us. Shizuo was so incredible. He was taking me to places I've never been. His technique never failed at making me beg for more.

I was so high in love with this wild creature, that I could never get enough.

'I never want to wake from this dream.'

For the rest of the night, Shizuo and I made love over and over again, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. No matter the pace or position we took, Shizuo never failed to repeat 'I love you's' in my ear. He certainly didn't want me to forget.

And somehow I managed to believe him.

Our exhausted bodies collapsed, as we murmured 'I love you' to each other before falling asleep in each other's arms. I was so worn out that I even forgot about how Shizuo would be leaving soon.

With him, I was the happiest man alive.

That was until the next morning when I woke up in Shizuo's bed to an empty space beside me. Shizuo had finally left me. He was gone... Fresh tears began flowing from my eyes. I got up in a panic not caring if I was nude, searching for him around his home and praying to god that I was still dreaming.

"This isn't happening!" I cried over and over again.

Everything of his was still here. His home was exactly the same, nothing has been removed.

Without his presence it felt so cold.

Making my back to his bedroom I collapsed on the bed, wrapping myself in his red sheets and cried my eyes out. I knew this was it, I was just afraid of admitting the horrible truth. Shizuo was gone, and I was most likely never to see him again. Clutching the pale skin over my broken heart I continued to cry harder than I've ever cried in my life.

'Shizuo...'

I chanted his name over and over again in my head hoping his name could prevent my insanity from emerging. I didn't know what I was going to do now, but even so, I prayed that Shizuo was ok.

I wanted him happy. With or without me I wanted Shizuo to find happiness.

"Shizuo...I love you so much, it hurts so fucking bad..."

And for the rest of the day I cried in his empty bed, hoping he'd somehow return home.

_(End of flashback)_

As time continued to move forward I still felt like I was stuck in the past. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and months to years that I haven't seen my Shizu-chan.

It's been 11 years since that day. Every day I wondered what he was doing.

I missed him so much.

For so long I questioned myself on why Shizuo did what he did, but standing here now in the icy winds, looking at the old grave before me with his name engraved in the stone, gave me all the answers.

_In memory of_

_Shizuo Heiwajima_

_January 28th 1991- May 14th 2012_

I couldn't believe this was real, that this was really happening. All along I thought Shizuo left me out of choice, but in reality, he left because he was forced to be taken from me.

I felt like a terrible person for looking down on him for so long.

Hot fresh tears spilled down my frozen cheeks making already broken heart ache even more.

The truth hit me hard. Shizuo Heiwajima was dead. The date of his death of exactly three months after the night he left me in unknown misery.

Moving my gloved hands over my teary eyes, more tears continued to fall from my eyes when I realized that Shizuo's true intentions were to save me from the truth. He wanted to save me the misery.

This is why he left me.

Shizuo knew he was dying and be believed that if I believed he was still alive out there that I would have a better chance of being happy again.

Damn you Shizuo for not telling me the truth. This whole time I was convinced the he was having a good life while I suffered struggling to cope without him, yet it was really him who was suffering. He knew he was going to die soon and he was trying to protect me.

'He was always so good to me.'

My mind was pounding, trying to conceive everything I have come to learn. I cried harder in my hands.

"Shizu-chan it must have been so hard for you. Please forgive me for being so selfish..."

I felt so guilty. He knew that if I knew the truth that I'd follow him into eternal darkness. He didn't want that for me. He wanted me to be happy and continue living.

He always had good intentions even though most of the time I was too blind to see it.

"God I missed you Shizu-chan..." I choked falling to my knees over his grave. Though he was now nothing but bones and ashes deep under the ground, I still envisioned his perfect face sleeping so soundly.

"...I'm so glad I've finally found you...please forgive me for taking so long...I still love you Shizuo."

My body grew heavy as I collapsed over the 11 year old grave. The strong winds howled making the dying leaves fly violently through the air, falling around me like dry rain. For the first time in a long time I felt at peace. Even though my heart ached for Shizuo's touch, I smiled knowing I found him once again. He was in a better place now and as long as I knew he was ok, I was happy.

Pulling my coat tighter, I rested my head beside the dying flowers that someone placed here for him a while back. I wondered how many people knew about Shizuo's death and how many even came to his funeral. It destroyed me knowing I was unable to be there for him. I always envisioned myself holding his hand until the very end.

'I wonder, can you see me now Shizuo?'

Closing my sore eyes, I blocked out the cold wind and imagined myself lying in a safe place with Shizuo's warm body next to me, his smile handsome as ever. I wanted to fall asleep here and never wake up...

"Izaya?"

My eyes shot open at the sound of my name.

'Shizuo?' I prayed to god it was him, even though it was impossible.

Whipping my head around, I saw a thin figure that I couldn't recognize, yet looked so familiar.

"Why are you laying on nii-san's grave?"

Wiping my eyes quickly, I began thinking the image before me was a hallucination. Maybe I was going insane.

"Kasuka...?"

He said nothing and nodded. His dark hair longer than it used to be, covering sad brown eyes.

"Are you visiting Shizuo?" I asked feeling like an idiot. Of course he was.

Kasuka nodded again placing a single red rose on the grave.

"Red was his favorite color..." I whispered.

"I know."

Kasuka sat down next to me hanging his head down like he was praying. I decided to leave him with his moment of silence.

We really didn't talk much after that. The silence was actually comforting. It's like we were trying to listen for something and if I was lucky, maybe I'd hear Shizuo's voice calling my name. I stared at the blood red rose. It looked so alive compare to the others.

"Are you the one who brings him flowers all the time?"

Kasuka nodded again, keeping his head facing down.

"Yea, I come here at least once every two months to visit. I'm the only one that ever brings him flowers."

It made sense. Shizuo never had many friends or family to begin with.

Lowering my head, I copied Kasuka's position. I took me a moment to collect my thoughts, but somehow I finally I mustered the courage to ask him the big question I was afraid of knowing the answer to.

"So...how did it happen? Shizuo I mean, how did he...die?"

I choked on the last word. It was still really hard to accept the fact he was really dead. The strongest man in Japan, my one true love, the undefeated, was actually defeated.

Everything felt surreal. It really hurt to know I was able to outlive him, especially when he still had so much to live for. Bringing myself back to earth, I watched as Kasuka moved his long bangs away from his face, his empty eyes studying the grave before us.

"Nii-san was sick."

My heart sank deeper.

"Sick?" I asked confused.

"Heart condition." He added.

That said it all.

"He knew was dying, didn't he?"

Kasuka nodded and fingered the lonely rose he paced a while ago.

"He found out he was sick when he was eight, I was only four. Doctor said with his strength it was possible to live up to the age of 27, but it looks like death came for him early. Shizuo always doubted the doctor's anyway. He knew who wouldn't make it that long."

Kasuka paused glancing at me before looking back at the grave.

"Nii-san once told me he could feel it. He said it felt like his heart was eating him up from the inside out. He said it was painful. He was even scared to keep on living, fearing the pain would worsen..."

My breath hitched at those words, I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. Shizuo wanted to die? How did I not see the signs for so long? Shizuo was suffering and did so well at hiding it from me. He didn't want me to witness how weak he was. He wanted me to remember his as strong and powerful.

I fidgeted with my red scarf waiting for Kasuka to continue talking about Shizuo. I wanted to hear more about him, I wanted to see if Shizuo ever mentioned me.

"Nii-san always had chest pains...that was until he met you."

My eyes widened. "Me?"

Kasuska nodded crossing his long legs. His figure resembled so much of Shizuo's, but much more slimmer built.

"Nii-san once told me that you were his cure. You made him happy. He told me that for some reason when he was with you the pain in his heart subsided. He actually thought he could be saved."

Shielding my face with my long bangs, my eyes started to water once again. At the same time, heat rushed to my cheeks making me blush slightly. Such precious words that were never heard made me love Shizuo that much more.

_'Shizuo did love me.'_

That meant so much more to me than anything else in the world.

"I miss him..." I choked softly.

"I know you do Izaya, as do I."

Wiping my face with my long sleeves, I sniffled and tightened my red scarf around my neck. I needed some kind of warmth.

"I just wish I knew. Maybe I could've helped him."

Kasuka shook his head.

"No, nothing could've saved him. With his body type heart transplants would've failed. His body was too strong; no regular human heart could keep up."

I nodded refusing to argue with him. I'm sure he was right even though I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that I could've somehow saved him, but what's done is done. It was too late for that now. Shizuo was gone and never coming back.

'If only I could turn back time...'

Standing up, I dusted off my jeans and moved forward to place a kiss on Shizuo's tombstone. Kasuka watched me carefully.

"I still love you Shizu-chan. Rest in peace, love. We will meet again soon."

Turning to walk away, I wiped my eyes knowing there were no more wetness. I have finally finished crying. I had no more tears to shed, they've all dried out.

Walking away from Kasuka and Shizuo's grave, I shoved my hands in my pockets like Shizuo used to do.

"Izaya, where are you going?" Kasuka called over his shoulder.

I lowered my head hiding the smile that grew on my face.

"Time to pay a visit to someone special."

Kasuka said nothing after that. He wasn't stupid and I knew he knew what I was planning.

My heart fluttered with excitement for the first time in 11 years. It's been too long since I've seen Shizuo. It was about time I drop by and pay him a visit. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was about time I find my happiness once again.

_Shizu-chan here I come, I hope you'll be waiting for me on the other side. I love you._

_Yours truly, Izaya O._

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**I really suck at making sad stories. Maybe I should just stick with romance; I'll just keep reading sad ones HA! Please R&amp;R! I make more sexy stories!**


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